Learn Some Fucking Manners!

conversation noun (/ˌkɑnvɚˈseɪʃən/) Expression and exchange of individual ideas through talking with other people; also, a set instance or occasion of such talking.

So, you ignorant motherfuckers, that “exchange” thing only works when the other person can actually get a word in. Therefore, if you’re talking to me, kindly learn to shut the fuck up, and don’t monopolize the fucking conversation. Jesus, Allah, Buddha, and motherfucking Vishnu, how the fuck am I supposed to reply when you’re just spewing a motherfucking pile of sounds out of your mouth that are tangentially related to what we’re talking about at best? Motherfucker, you best learn to shut up, and quick, because you’re wasting my time and yours.

I mean, let’s say you ask me a question. I can answer it, and we can be done, but you choose to load up a fuckton of bullshit explanation and exposition to your question that will have no fucking bearing on my response. Why not just cut it? Why tell me this shit? I don’t fucking care. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Even worse, I’m trying to answer your question, or respond to your statement, and you talk the fuck over me with more bullshit. Sometimes, you might even ask me about something I was about to fucking address. Be patient, wait for me to fucking finish, and I’ll fucking get to it! Also, please stop repeating yourself. I got what you said; if I didn’t, I’d fucking ask your stupid ass to repeat it.

Do these things, please, and conversation with me can be a lot more pleasant. Don’t and I will rip out your fucking larynx. Got me?

As a corollary to my previous post on people who are fucking jerks to people who work in the service sector, I would now like to take a moment to call out the folks who work in service sector, who are fucking incompetent and/or rude at their jobs. Honestly, it’s very fucking hard to defend service workers as a group, when people like you give the entire profession such a bad reputation. I know that few people actually want a job where they’re on the front lines of customer relations. Nobody says, “I wanna be a cashier when I grow up!” or “I wanna work in Tech Support!” People fall into those gigs, more often by fate or futility than anything else. It’s not a dream job, but it’s a fucking valid way to make a living. That doesn’t give you fucking carte blanche to be fucking incompetent at your job, and be a pain in the ass to your customers.

To make matters worse, I’ve fucking been on both sides of the counter, and both sides of the phone. I’ve worked retail, and I’ve worked shitty phone jobs. The last thing I wanted in both of those situations is to have some rude, clueless employee with their head up their fucking ass, and a gigantic attitude ruin my fucking day by being themselves. For fuck’s sake, the whole reason they pay you is to make the process of getting what I want a shitload easier. Don’t act like it’s a fucking imposition just because you have to fucking do your job for a change.

Here’s a few simple tips from someone who’s worked behind the counter and on the phone to avoid being an insult to the often maligned workers in the service sector.

1. Be polite. Smile, if possible. Say hello. Speak slowly, and clearly. You will be fucking amazed how much this helps. If someone comes up to you at the counter, and they clearly have a chip on their shoulder, being polite can actually fucking disarm them—and don’t be condescending. That’s a sure fire way to get a shitty tip, if you’re lucky.
2. If you’re having a conversation with your co-worker, quit it. If you’re chatting during your downtime, and fuck knows you guys can have a shitload of downtime, sometimes, fine. Thing is, as soon as a fucking customer walks through the door, you need to be on your fucking game. It’s your fucking job.
3. Know your fucking job. If it’s obvious that you’re new, it’ll show, and people will probably let it slide. However, if you’ve been there for ages, and still need to call over your manager for simple shit, it’ll piss off the entire fucking line. I can pin at least part of this on shitty training by shitty managers, but you need to put in some fucking effort, too.
4. Thank the customer for their patronage. Be sincere, or at least learn how to fucking fake it. You have no idea how fucking good a sincere “thank you” can be to someone used to dealing with employees who are rude, selfish, clueless, incompetent and clinically braindead.
5. Don’t monopolize our time, either. Please, keep conversation to a fucking minimum, and do what you have to do quickly. We might have a schedule to keep, and have to rush. Holding us up does you, and us, no fucking favors.
6. PAY. ATTENTION. TO. WHAT. WE. SAY. Nothing infuriates me quite like having to repeat myself multiple times when I’m trying to work with you on a simple task, like ordering a fucking cheeseburger. I said, “Cheeseburger with no mayo,” so don’t ask if I want mayo. Fucking christ, your brain works, right? Use it.
7. Don’t fucking lie to us. There’s never a goddamn time or a place for fucking dishonesty in a business relationship. Lying by omission counts, too. I’d rather hear you tell me the sad truth about something than watch you lie through your fucking teeth, either from apathy or direct order.

Christ, just do your motherfucking job correctly, and to the best of your ability.

By the by, this shit even extends to telemarketers. Yes, I know telemarketers are doing what they have to to fucking pay the fucking bills, keep a roof over their heads, and keep their stomachs full. I’ve been one, damn it. If you, call us, and we aren’t interested, then please, let it go. Ask, again politely, if you must, but take “No,” for an answer, damn it. If we want to be off the list, just fucking do it. Also, if you’re calling with an organization we already do business with, then you’re going to be in deep shit if you fuck with us. Think about it.

Someone smarter than me once suggested that everyone should work at least a year in food service, retail, or tech support. Why? Because anyone who has ever worked in those jobs, (one hopes) gains some fucking respect for people who work them. At least in America, few people actually want a job where they’re on the front lines of customer relations. Nobody says, “I wanna be a cashier when I grow up!” or “I wanna work in Tech Support!” People fall into those gigs, more often by fate or futility than anything else. It’s not a dream job, but it’s a fucking valid way to make a living. It therefore boggles my fucking mind why people treat cashiers, waiters, tech support people, customer service reps and people in other service jobs so fucking poorly.

To make matters worse, I’ve fucking been on both sides of the counter, and both sides of the phone. I’ve worked retail, and I’ve worked shitty phone jobs. The last thing I wanted in both of those jobs is to have some self-righteous prick with their head up their fucking ass, and an entitlement complex ruin my fucking day by being themselves. For fuck’s sake, the whole reason they pay me is to make the process of getting you what you want a shitload easier. Don’t act like I’m a fucking dancing monkey on a chain here for you to abuse.

Here’s a few simple tips from someone who’s worked behind the counter and on the phone with ungrateful, arrogant, entitled bitches and pricks like yourselves.

1. Be polite. Smile, if possible. Say hello. Speak slowly, and clearly. You will be fucking amazed how much this helps. If someone at the coffee shop keeps fucking up your order, why not try saying it clearly and slowly—and no fucking condescending tones here. That’s a sure fire way to get spit in your food.
2. If you’re on a cell phone, either hang it the fuck up, or tell the person you will talk to them shortly. It’s good for the employee, and it keeps you from holding up the fucking line, you ignorant, self-centered fuck.
3. Help the employee out when possible. Some good examples of this are: move your groceries to the front of the conveyor, have your money ready to pay your barista, clear a spot for your plate, etc.
4. Thank the person for what they do. Be sincere, or at least learn how to fucking fake it. You have no idea how fucking good a sincere “thank you” can be to someone used to dealing with pricks, asshole, fuckheads, morons, dipshits and the clinically braindead.
5. Don’t monopolize their time, either. Please, keep conversation to a fucking minimum. If you’re on the phone with someone, they’re likely being timed, or have a quota that you’re going to fucking blow.
6. DO. NOT. FLIRT. WITH. THE. STAFF. Seriously, especially if you’re out of their immediate age range. It may seem endearing to you, but it is remarkably fucking creepy to us. Fucking christ.
7. Tip your fucking waitstaff. Even some of the most expensive restaurants pay their waitstaff a fucking pittance, with the expectation that they’ll receive a good, or at least half-decent tip from the table. Even if service wasn’t great, tip something. Also, don’t play games with a tip, ever, unless you like tampered food.¹

Christ, just treat these fucking people like they’re human beings.

By the by, this shit even extends to dealing with telemarketers. Yes, I know telemarketers are the venomous, pus-ridden, shit-licking scum of the Earth. I’ve been one, damn it. We’re doing what we have to to fucking pay our fucking bills, keep a roof over our heads, and keep are stomachs full. Anything else is a bonus. If we call you, and you aren’t interested, then please, politely indicate so. Ask, again politely if we can take you off the list. Chances are a telemarketer knows a lot about you. If they’re calling with an organization you already do business with, then you’re going to be in deep shit if you fuck with them. Think about it.

¹The most obnoxious thing I ever heard of with tips was a restaurant patron who indicated the amount the waitress would get, and would deduct from it for perceived infractions. That is a fucking insult. You’re not that fucking important, you putrid pile of rancid vomited fecal matter. Fuck me.