You Suck at Trolling the Internet
In Internet years, I’m a fucking geezer. I’ve been busting my ass on the web since the fucking mid-90’s. Sure, there were plenty of people out there before me, but compared to some of the fucking retarded wastes of carbon that have access to the internet now, I’m older than fucking dirt. Let me tell you something about the olden days of the Internet: if we wanted to piss someone off, we fucking put some effort into it. We fucking build up fucking layer upon layer upon layer of abuse. It was direct, and it was personalized. Trolling someone took some motherfucking work, and the payoff was beautiful. Watching someone freak out in plaintext in an IRC channel could easily be the highlight of a day.
Yes, this is shallow. I was a fucking teenager with no social life. Fuck you.
Now-a-days, when I go about my routine on the web, and someone tries to fuck with me, it just reeks of a lack of effort. Instead, it’s a shitload of meme-spouting, energyless, lazy morons who don’t have the patience or the braincells to actually, properly troll someone. This is probably best exemplified by that wonderful little distillation of the Internet: ChatRoulette. (I’m not linking it. You probably already know it.) First time I logged onto that site, some guy took a look at me, called me a faggot, and flipped me off. Then, he vanished.
You call that trolling? I call that failing. The fact that I’m ranting about this might be indication of success, but what pisses me off is not being called a faggot, or flipped off. I’ve had both done, in real life, by far better. What pisses me off is the idea that someone can fucking get on a site, hold up their middle finger, and think they’re pissing people off, or being a troll. You’re not. You are to a proper troll what a fucking turd is to the fucking statue of David. Actually, I take that back, you’re what a turd is to Serrano’s Piss Christ. A turd can offend a lot of people, but a fucking turd only offends for so long. Once the initial shock value dies down, everyone just gets bored. “Oh, it’s a piece of shit. Yes. Fine. Can we move on?” A troll, a genuine fucking troll, starts small and builds. The abuse starts simple and grows, slowly, delicately, like a flower. You don’t just start by calling them a faggot. Christ, that ceased being a decent insult after Kindergarten, these days.
If you want to troll someone, you have to make them question the very essence of the self. Find their weakness, learn what will piss them off, slowly infuriate them, and then go for the fucking kill. Shit like this is hard to do when they have an easy method of escape, like on the aforementioned ChatRoulette, so you need to keep them interested in hearing what you have to say. Give them a chance to respond. The victim wants to win, but their parries just give you the chance to twist the knife in deeper. You need to really offend them, not just make gestures and use words your mom would (hopefully) bitchslap you for saying.
Fucking Christ. Just fucking try, will you? I’ve got far more respect for someone who knows how to piss me off on purpose than those who piss me off by sheer luck.
Tl;DR — TRY HARDER.