Learn Some Fucking Manners!

Someone smarter than me once suggested that everyone should work at least a year in food service, retail, or tech support. Why? Because anyone who has ever worked in those jobs, (one hopes) gains some fucking respect for people who work them. At least in America, few people actually want a job where they’re on the front lines of customer relations. Nobody says, “I wanna be a cashier when I grow up!” or “I wanna work in Tech Support!” People fall into those gigs, more often by fate or futility than anything else. It’s not a dream job, but it’s a fucking valid way to make a living. It therefore boggles my fucking mind why people treat cashiers, waiters, tech support people, customer service reps and people in other service jobs so fucking poorly.

To make matters worse, I’ve fucking been on both sides of the counter, and both sides of the phone. I’ve worked retail, and I’ve worked shitty phone jobs. The last thing I wanted in both of those jobs is to have some self-righteous prick with their head up their fucking ass, and an entitlement complex ruin my fucking day by being themselves. For fuck’s sake, the whole reason they pay me is to make the process of getting you what you want a shitload easier. Don’t act like I’m a fucking dancing monkey on a chain here for you to abuse.

Here’s a few simple tips from someone who’s worked behind the counter and on the phone with ungrateful, arrogant, entitled bitches and pricks like yourselves.

1. Be polite. Smile, if possible. Say hello. Speak slowly, and clearly. You will be fucking amazed how much this helps. If someone at the coffee shop keeps fucking up your order, why not try saying it clearly and slowly—and no fucking condescending tones here. That’s a sure fire way to get spit in your food.
2. If you’re on a cell phone, either hang it the fuck up, or tell the person you will talk to them shortly. It’s good for the employee, and it keeps you from holding up the fucking line, you ignorant, self-centered fuck.
3. Help the employee out when possible. Some good examples of this are: move your groceries to the front of the conveyor, have your money ready to pay your barista, clear a spot for your plate, etc.
4. Thank the person for what they do. Be sincere, or at least learn how to fucking fake it. You have no idea how fucking good a sincere “thank you” can be to someone used to dealing with pricks, asshole, fuckheads, morons, dipshits and the clinically braindead.
5. Don’t monopolize their time, either. Please, keep conversation to a fucking minimum. If you’re on the phone with someone, they’re likely being timed, or have a quota that you’re going to fucking blow.
6. DO. NOT. FLIRT. WITH. THE. STAFF. Seriously, especially if you’re out of their immediate age range. It may seem endearing to you, but it is remarkably fucking creepy to us. Fucking christ.
7. Tip your fucking waitstaff. Even some of the most expensive restaurants pay their waitstaff a fucking pittance, with the expectation that they’ll receive a good, or at least half-decent tip from the table. Even if service wasn’t great, tip something. Also, don’t play games with a tip, ever, unless you like tampered food.¹

Christ, just treat these fucking people like they’re human beings.

By the by, this shit even extends to dealing with telemarketers. Yes, I know telemarketers are the venomous, pus-ridden, shit-licking scum of the Earth. I’ve been one, damn it. We’re doing what we have to to fucking pay our fucking bills, keep a roof over our heads, and keep are stomachs full. Anything else is a bonus. If we call you, and you aren’t interested, then please, politely indicate so. Ask, again politely if we can take you off the list. Chances are a telemarketer knows a lot about you. If they’re calling with an organization you already do business with, then you’re going to be in deep shit if you fuck with them. Think about it.

¹The most obnoxious thing I ever heard of with tips was a restaurant patron who indicated the amount the waitress would get, and would deduct from it for perceived infractions. That is a fucking insult. You’re not that fucking important, you putrid pile of rancid vomited fecal matter. Fuck me.