How To Fucking Use the Bathroom
Good god, are we in fucking pre-school here? What the fucking shit? This bit is such an absolute bullshit motherfucking cock-dribbling retarded monstrosity. I shouldn’t have to fucking write about something so motherfuckingly simple and basic. Then again, it’s said behind every cynic is a failed idealist, and you fucking overgrown monkeys have failed my ideals far too many times to count in such a painfully short span of time. I am thoroughly fed up with going into dirty and smelly public restrooms. This shit, often in a literal sense, has gone too fucking far, you disgusting wastes of carbon.
Okay, seriously, you’re going into the bathroom, you probably have to do one of two things: piss or shit. Either way, make sure the entire quantity of what you are expelling from your orifices goes completely into the fucking toilet. Don’t piss or shit on the seat, piss on the floor, piss on the sink, piss on the walls, or anywhere else. Fuck me, you should have had this shit beaten into you when you were fucking two, maybe three years old. Fucking piss-christ. If you fuck up, and get piss or shit somewhere it shouldn’t, here’s an idea: clean it up! Don’t wait for someone else to do it. The person who is paid to clean the public toilets has a fucking hard enough time of things without you making it worse. Mop that shit up with some fucking toilet paper. That’s what it’s for, along with wiping the excess shit from around your anal sphincter. When you’re done, put the fucking toilet paper in the toilet, not on the fucking floor. This isn’t a fucking barn.1
Once you’ve put all your bodily waste in the toilet, then please, for the love of God and all that is holy, decent, good and loving in this benighted universe, flush the fucking thing. I don’t want to go into a public bathroom and have to stare down your fucking floater from lunch, or smell your coffee-stanked piss. Flush it away. It’s not hard. Hell, many toilets have these almost-magical devices that flush for you. In the event that yours doesn’t however, push the fucking handle down. Do with with your hand, your foot, or whatever. I don’t care. Flush it. Who cares if there’s germs or shit on the handle, flush the fucking toilet. You can deal with the germs later.
Later, in this case, being pretty much immediately after, when you go to wash your fucking filthy hands. This is especially important if you went into the bathroom to take a fucking shit. Your hands likely have particulate turd matter on them. Wash it the fuck off. Hot fucking water, and soap—lots of motherfucking soap, you shitstain. Clean them hands, but good, because you might be touching something I’m going to touch afterwards. I don’t want to touch your shit. Fuck, me that’s disgusting. Wash your fucking hands, you stupid fuck. When you’re done, dry them. If you use paper towels to dry your hands, put the fucking paper towels in the trash, and make sure they go in. Disgusting, fucking slob. Fucking pigs are fucking cleaner than you.
Now, here’s a simple bullet-pointed list to drive the key points home.
- Piss or shit into the toilet. Get it all in the toilet.
- If you miss, for whatever reason, clean it the fuck up, immediately.
- Put your toilet paper in the toilet.
- Flush the fucking toilet.
- Wash your goddamn filthy hands with fucking soap and hot water.
- Dry your hands, and properly fucking dispose of the fucking paper towels you used.
If you could all fucking do this, public bathrooms might be a shitload nicer. It would sure be nice to be able to take a shit in a public bathroom without being fucking nauseous and disgusted at all your fucking filthy habits.
Oh, for all you fuckknobs who fucking spit in the urinals in the Men’s room: what the fucking fuck? That’s fucking gross. Stop doing it, you fucking shits.
1.In countries where toilet paper is not flushed, then place your used toilet paper in the proper receptacle. It’s rude to throw it on the floor, but it’s ruder to fucking clog the fucking toilet and flood the bathroom with your shit and piss.