Learn Some Fucking Manners!

Later this month, I’ll be traveling to see my favorite band of all time perform a concert in New York City. Of course, rarely can I go to see a concert without some rude motherfucker, or more often, whole groups of motherfuckers, acting generally retarded and making shit difficult. Not that this will work, but I have prepared a short list of rules for basic concert etiquette. If one of you fuckshits reads it and realizes that making an ass of yourself and being a pain to the rest of the crowd, and the band, is not a good thing, well, I won’t feel better, but my experience will be oh so slightly improved. Shut the fuck up and read.

1. Do not mosh or slamdance at a show where people aren’t going to mosh or slamdance! Little pisses me off more than when I’m at a show and some assholes decide to open up a big fucking moshpit or slamdance with each other. Thankfully, I avoid shows where that shit is expected, but that sure hasn’t stopped people from trying it at shows where that shit isn’t kosher. Here’s a hint: if the majority of the crowd is doing the “pogo,” “the standing still,” or “the fishstick,” or if the median age leans towards 40, don’t fucking slamdance or mosh. By the by, a good friend of mine had her fucking knee taken out at a show by an idiot mosher. She wasn’t in the pit—she was at the barrier watching the fucking band. It happened two years ago and her knee will never fully heal. This shit is what happens when you act like a tard in a crowd of normals: you hurt people. Actions have consequences.

2. Stop fucking crowdsurfing. I mean it. I like to be up close to the stage when I see a show. It’s a personal preference. The downside to being there is that at almost every show over a certain fucking size, you have to deal with self-centered pricks who crowdsurf—and they always end up coming over my fucking head! For one, it shows that you don’t actually give a fuck about the concert, because every time I’ve seen someone crowdsurf to the front of the stage, the security people grab them and chuck them the fuck out of the venue. Congrats, dipshit, you spent $50 on a ticket and only saw a third of the show, while being a pain in the ass to those of us who want to actually enjoy the performance. This same shit goes for stagedivers. Stagedivers are even bigger fucktards, because they want to make the show about them. Which brings me to rule number 3.

3. Do not, ever, fucking goddamn ever, fuck with the motherfucking band on stage! There’s a wonderful story about the guitarist for the band I am seeing. At one performance, right before his guitar solo in a song, a “fan” reached out from the audience to grab his ankle. This audience member got to enjoy a nice nap for the rest of the show as the guitar player’s size 8C boot carefully smashed into the fucker’s forehead. The moral of this story: do not fuck with the band. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you paid good money to go see these people! They’re up on stage, presumably working their fucking asses off to entertain you. What the fuck gives you the fucking right to make their job harder? If a band sucks, there’s ways to let them know, but you do not interfere with their job.

4. Do not rush the stage, particularly in a crowded venue. Last time I saw this band, it was at a very small club. As soon as the first note rang out, everyone was shoving and pushing forward. As stated previously, I like to be up front. This resulted in me nearly having my fucking sternum snapped against the barrier. Christ, where the fuck are you going to go? Where the fuck are the people in front of you going to go? Why don’t you show some fucking respect for the people around you, huh?

That last question is the fucking crux of the biscuit here. If you just show some motherfucking respect for your fellow concert goers, then you make the entire fucking experience better for everyone. A rock show is not an excuse for you to act like a fucking animal, so fucking don’t.